I can text with my tongue
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
