if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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