oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
