PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
