I've blown a few things in my day
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
All I want is dick and wine.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
