I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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