I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
