She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
