I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
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