I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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