I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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