I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
