It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
