Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
