Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
