She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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