rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
