We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
