6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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