I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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