Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
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