And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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