Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
