he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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