then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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