Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
