So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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