I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
