Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
