whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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