Sponge bath it is.
You can't special order awesome
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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