dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
