I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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