You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
