im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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