he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
