I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
