Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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