i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
