Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
