Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
