You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
