Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
