Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
