Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
