I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
