I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
