I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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