Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
