Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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