Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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