New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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