He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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