i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
mondays should just be called national damage control day
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
